just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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