onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
