People in love make me want to vomit
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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