theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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