It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
