Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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