Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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