life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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