I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
