haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
