I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
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He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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