woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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