Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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