dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
