I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
