You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
