So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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