saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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