Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
