woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
