i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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