Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
