I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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