did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
