You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
