i permit you to call me
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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