I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
