when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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