I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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