So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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