Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
