got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
