i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
