Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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