i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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