when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
