fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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