I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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