In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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