She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
