Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize