well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
