Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
