I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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