I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
