just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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