Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
