Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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