I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
