after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
