I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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