I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
