The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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