Cold hands, warm shart.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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