I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
