So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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