You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
