We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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