the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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